In a Moment of Anxiety

I’ve been so overwhelmed lately that I hadn’t been writing because I just didn’t want too.

However, right now…at this moment…my anxiety is high and I’m crying my eyes out because grounding myself just isn’t working.

My mind is racing. I can’t breath. I’m drowning…again.

Breathing exercises aren’t working. I’ve sat on my prayer mat and prayed as tears fell…and I’m still not grounded.

So I decided to write.

I’m here to say, you are it alone when you’re consumed with emotion, and anxiety, and fear for no reason. You are not alone when your own mind makes you feel like nothing is going to be okay. I understand. I’ve been there and I’m here now.

It’s surprising that I can write any of this at all because my mouth isn’t working…I can’t articulate anything I’m feeling verbally. I feel like I’m suffocating with emotions that I lack the ability to process.

I’m emotionally ignorant because for years I suppressed many emotions and I never learned to process or understand them. So when the world is overwhelming and I’m like this, not only am I anxious but I’m scared because I can’t understand what I’m feeling and that sucks even more.

If you ever feel like you’re drowning…understand, it’s okay!

I’ll throw you a lifesaver. I’ll swim out to you. I’ll wade in the water with you until you’re ready to come out. Follow me. I know the way. I’m here often.

How did I get here?

I’m drowning and so engulfed in this sea of pain that I’m screaming for help and no one can here me. I’m constantly fighting for my peace and it’s like the pain and hopelessness is quicksand and the harder I fight the deeper I sink.

It’s been a little over a month since we lost our twins and my mind comprehends it. My heart has accepted Allah’s decree (yes I’m a Muslimah) but mentally and emotionally I am consumed with emotions that my brain cannot process.

I found myself lashing out on my SO (significant other) because I felt like he wasn’t supportive but no matter what he did, it wouldn’t have been sufficient because I didn’t even know what I needed or how far gone my depression was. I couldn’t accept it. I felt that I was too strong to break. I had been through worse and pulled myself out with no help. I’ve survived physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, loss, homelessness, suicide, and unexplainable heartache…and I’m still here 28 years later. But this…this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. This…this was the breaking point.

My SO was constantly asking what was wrong but I couldn’t talk. I was (am) becoming non verbal because I’m so consumed. I couldn’t find the words to describe what I was feeling. I constantly feel like I’m drowning. Even on the good days I’m suffocating. I cannot eat. Drinking is a chore. I drag myself to work and conserve just enough energy to feed the kids and sustain the house. That’s it. I don’t find pleasure in any of the things that generally bring me joy. I love poetry. It is my passion…but even that couldn’t be created because this cloud that’s following me is raining on every piece of joy and peace I once knew. I was broken and I couldn’t admit it.

My family was tired of me. My kids miss who mommy is. I miss who I am.

So I decided. It’s time to seek help. For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to fix myself at home, by myself. I’ve prayed, cried, tried to ground myself, forced myself to talk about the twins…but nothing. So I reached out.

Once I was at the behavioral health hospital the more I talked with the therapist, the more I learned that those things I thought I had healed were only covered and suppressed. Not healed. One traumatic event, the loss of my boys took me to this place that I never imagined being. I was being swallowed by a black hole and living in an abyss. No could hear my screams because I was so far gone that they were inaudible. I never learned how to fully articulate my pain because as a child I adapted and suppressed it.

Now it’s time to unpack, unlearn, and heal. Not only for my family but for ME.